Discernment Counseling in San Francisco & California

When One of You Is Leaning Out and the Other Wants to Stay

You may be considering separation or divorce while your partner hopes to work things out. Trying to talk about the future can leave you having the same painful conversation, with neither of you feeling understood.

Couples often come to therapy with both partners feeling hurt, unheard, or unable to get their needs met. When both want to work on the relationship, couples therapy offers a way to address those experiences together. When one partner is unsure about staying, though, there is a trap we can fall into: assuming that working on the relationship will settle the doubts about whether to continue it. Sessions can stall if one person is trying to repair the relationship while the other is still deciding whether they want to.

Discernment offers a way out of that bind by giving the question of whether to continue its own time and attention. Each of you has room to be honest about where you stand and consider whether you want to undertake the work of reconciliation.

Discernment counseling is a short-term process for these “mixed-agenda” couples. One partner is leaning out, considering leaving but still uncertain. The other is leaning in, hoping to preserve the relationship. The goal is to help you decide, with greater clarity and confidence, on a direction for the future of your marriage.

Is Discernment Counseling Right for Us?

Discernment makes room for different starting points. You can participate while feeling doubtful about the relationship or whether couples therapy would help. Both of you need to be willing to look at what has happened and consider the possible directions ahead. I support each partner in that process without pressure to stay together or separate.

If either partner has already made a final decision to end the relationship, discernment counseling is not the appropriate process. I can offer conversations for closure and separation when that is where you are.

If you both already want to work on the relationship, couples therapy may be the place to begin.

How the Process Works

Discernment counseling takes 1–5 sessions. The first session is 2 hours; each additional session is 1½ hours (90 minutes). You begin with one session and decide session by session whether to continue, up to five.

Sessions include time together and individual conversations with me. Meeting separately gives each of you room to reflect on your own experience, concerns, and hopes. Our conversations together give you a chance to share what you are coming to understand.

We look at how your relationship reached this point and identify the negative patterns that keep repeating. I help each of you fairly acknowledge your own contributions to those patterns and consider what you would need to take responsibility for changing. Fairness means understanding each person’s actions and their impact; responsibility may look different for each of you.

This work is focused on understanding and choosing a direction. The ongoing work of repairing the relationship belongs in couples therapy if you both choose that path.

The Three Paths

Path 1: Continue as Things Are for Now

You may decide to maintain the status quo, without beginning reconciliation work or moving toward separation at this time. You might want to preserve continuity for your children for a while, or face circumstances that make a change difficult. We can consider what staying as you are would mean for each of you and what remains unresolved.

Path 2: Move Toward Separation or Divorce

One or both of you may decide to end the marriage. Discernment can help you understand how you arrived at that decision and what you want to carry forward from what you have learned. Further conversations can support how you approach the separation.

Path 3: Commit Wholeheartedly to Reconciliation

You both choose to make a wholehearted effort to rebuild the relationship through couples therapy. The standard discernment counseling model describes a six-month commitment to couples therapy, with divorce off the table during that period. In practice, the timeframe depends on your circumstances, and we discuss together what that commitment will look like for you.

During discernment, I help each of you create a personal plan for change: specific patterns you recognize in yourself and changes you are willing to work on. These individual plans give the reconciliation work a focus and help each of you see your own part in making the relationship different.

Decisions are not always mutual. One partner may choose to leave while the other still wants to stay. A commitment to reconciliation requires both partners’ willingness; discernment makes room for each person’s decision, even when the outcome is painful or different from what the other hoped for.

Conversations for Closure and Separation

When a final decision to end the relationship has already been made, I can facilitate a series of conversations to help you make sense of the ending and work toward a sense of closure. There can be room to acknowledge what mattered, talk about hurt and unanswered questions, and consider how you want to relate to each other going forward. You may reach different understandings of the relationship and its ending.

I can also support conversations about separating in a collaborative way, including how you communicate and, if you have children, how you approach your continuing relationship as parents. The focus of these conversations is the emotional and relational work of separating.

What If We Want to Reconsider Our Relationship Agreements?

Some couples want to consider other ways of organizing their relationship or family life. These might include staying together while living separately for part of the time, exploring an open relationship, or considering “nesting,” where children stay in one home and parents take turns living there. Such arrangements can raise questions about closeness, parenting, privacy, finances, and what each of you wants your relationship to be.

I can support conversations about these possibilities and other creative changes, including your boundaries, the practical demands, and whether a proposed arrangement is something you both freely want. Any new agreement needs both partners’ consent.

Discernment helps clarify the direction you want to take. Further work on relationship agreements or on separating collaboratively can follow once that direction is clearer.

About Me

I have been licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) for over a decade. In my work, I have seen how couples therapy can stall when partners do not share a clear commitment to working on the relationship. Discernment counseling offers a structure when one partner is leaning toward the relationship and the other is leaning away. As in my broader work with adults and couples, we pay attention to how you arrived here and what keeps repeating. My role is to help each of you understand your own experience and contribution to the relationship, and consider your next step.