Embracing Forgiveness: A Path to Mental Wellbeing in Relationships

Published May 5, 2023 · Reviewed July 11, 2026

A New York Times article prompted me to think about the place of forgiveness in relationships. In my work as a couples therapist, I have seen how unaddressed injuries and resentment can contribute to disconnection. The person who caused the injury may struggle to apologize because of shame, defensiveness, or unresolved relationship issues. The injured person may remain angry or decide that trust cannot be restored. Forgiveness is one possible response, but it is not an obligation and it is not the right goal in every situation.

For some people, forgiveness offers a way to feel less emotionally bound to the person who hurt them. Others may find relief through boundaries, distance, accountability, grief, or acceptance without describing their process as forgiveness.

Forgiveness is sometimes treated as a moral requirement and sometimes dismissed as excusing harmful behavior. I think it is more useful to treat it as a personal choice. Accountability and remorse may support repair, but an injured person can decide how to move forward even when the person who hurt them is unable or unwilling to take responsibility.

1: Recall the hurt

Acknowledge and accept that you were hurt. Allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury. This is not easy because like most life forms, we strive to avoid pain, distracting ourselves with other things, minimizing it (“it’s not big deal”), or not important right now (“too busy to deal with it”). In truth, recalling the hurt is both uncomfortable and a necessary step in the process of forgiveness.

In a long-term relationship with past injuries, there can often be an entanglement of hurts, in which the injured party reacted to being hurt by injuring their partner back. Talking about an entangled hurt can lead to recriminations and comparisons about who was injured the most. It is important to stay focused on one complaint at a time with the understanding that both injuries ultimately need to be addressed. Allowing space to take turns in speaking and listening is crucial to disentangle the injuries and for each partner to understand the other’s point of view. Therapy can help with this, but if you want to try to hash things out at home, a communication framework like Nonviolent Communication can help.

2. Build Compassionate Understanding

Try to see things from the offender’s perspective. Seek to understand why they acted the way they did. Then, try to view the situation from a compassionate observer’s perspective and play back the pattern of interactions that led up to the injury. Try to make sense of the cycle of reactivity, the feelings, thoughts and reactions that led to the injury. Some people find it helpful to journal about this, to fill out the picture.

Being injured by someone close to you can carry with it old feelings. There were times in the past where you were hurt, when your feelings or wants were ignored. A fresh injury can stir up righteous indignation. This can be a healthy reaction to being mistreated. A less healthy adaptation is be to feel that you are dependent on this person and so must endure ongoing mistreatment.

3. Step into Forgiveness

When you start to see what made the offender do what they did, you start to grasp the situational and relational dynamics that culminated in your being hurt. As the compassionate understanding builds, do you feel ready to make a conscious decision to forgive the offender for their reactivity? For their limitations? Maybe you feel some shame about the ways in which your own words and actions fed into the situation, and then offer yourself some compassionate understanding even if they have not apologized or asked for your forgiveness.

Remember how it has felt when you have been forgiven in the past. It’s important to note that forgiveness is not the same as condoning or excusing the offender’s behavior. For the victim, letting go of a painful burden can be an emotional release.

You may need to intentionally decide to work on forgiving the offender, even if it takes time and effort. This step involves staying steady in your resolve to let go of the desire for revenge or punishment, and focuses instead on your intentions for healing, reconnection and perhaps further developing your relationship.

4. Holding onto Forgiveness

Forgiveness can become a part of your identity. You may need to actively choose to let go of resentments or the bitter residue you feel towards the offender. Express it to them, or to a friend, or to your journal. Get it out. Do not suppress the resentment. Seek to create a new story about it that is a broader truth. Holding onto forgiveness is about maintaining healthy relationships. In practice it can take some effort to put resentment aside.

Deciding What Forgiveness Means to You

Persistent anger and resentment can be exhausting. At the same time, it is too simple to say that someone is suffering because they have failed to forgive. The original injury, continuing mistreatment, lack of accountability, grief, and practical consequences all matter. Therapy can help you decide what acceptance, boundaries, repair, or forgiveness mean for you.

Forgiveness is complicated and rarely arrives on a schedule. Some people find it liberating; others move forward without it. Growth is possible whether a relationship continues or has ended.

If you and your partner are struggling after a hurtful experience, couples therapy can help you talk about its impact, accountability, boundaries, and whether repair is possible. If your partner is not willing to take part, individual therapy can still help you understand your reactions and decide what you need next. Where there is coercion, intimidation, or violence, individual support is usually a better place to begin.

Bruce Hearn is a psychotherapist in private practice in San Francisco. He specializes in working with couples and with men.